This post mentions addiction.
I lived in fear; too scared to share my feelings or emotions other than angrily; and the shame and guilt of what I did, or didn’t do, dragged me so deep I was literally drowning whilst pretending everything was fine. What was wrong? I was married, two beautiful children, good job, money in the bank, yet all of the time my head constantly told me to disappear from everything, disconnected my feelings and not allowing me to understand why I felt like I did.
I’ve eventually learned that addiction is a recognised mental illness that thrives on isolation and it gripped me so much over the years, going undiagnosed by numerous referrals for help with my depression and anxiety. I hid behind drink.
I broke and lost relationships, by behaviours quietly became more and more destructive, stripping me of confidence, self-worth, controlling my personality to become worthless to anyone or anything that got in the way, it stripped me of my dignity and values.
That kinda hit me finally once I’d lost everything, became homeless, lost my family, my health and respect, and I finally found the courage and started a recovery journey that I live today – now don’t get me wrong, my head still tries to sway me, suggest something, goading me, telling me I’m worthless, pathetic, no one cares about you – I live with those thoughts and know I’ll live forever with them as I’m still an addict – in recovery and only one thought away from returning to the darkness, cesspit world I shared time with – I’m now learning to understand what previous trauma I’d lived through that I hadn’t been able to process but hid through drinking – the things I have today are hope, a future, and most importantly friendship. I’m learning to work with the voices in my head positively.
Thank God for all that.
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