Blogs Reports

What it Means to Survive


Reported by Tess

Published on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Mental Health
Blogs Reports

What it Means to Survive


Written by Tess

Published on Wednesday, May 11th, 2022

Mental Health

Please note: this article talks about suicide throughout

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the last few years, I’ve written reflections about 14th May as the date approaches. The date always coincides with Mental Health Awareness Week (this year 9/5/22 – 15/5/22) but for me 14th May carries a personal significance. It’s my Survivaversary – the date I survived trying to end my life twice within hours

Why do I call it a Survivaversary? Because of the language of failure which usually accompanies suicide attempts. The first anniversary I really dwelled on that aspect. I found myself thinking about how a year previously I’d failed twice, wasted police/ambulance/hospital time, caused no end of trouble for services that were drafted in afterwards, triggered a massive number of events without stopping the one which prompted my actions in the first place – I knew I was going to become homeless and thought it was going to happen that day. So, with reflection, each year since I think about how I survived my actions. Why I’m glad I survived. I celebrate still being alive

This year will be my ninth Survivaversary. In many respects it seems like a lifetime ago – especially with the last year factored in. But there is still something in me that can’t move on. Part of me that feels ashamed of what I did. More so than the other times I’ve survived attempts (I’ve tried five times) – but the others just don’t seem to haunt me in the same way. Although I am 100% glad to have survived, I’m grateful for the life I have, I really like the life I’m living… part of me can’t forgive myself for what I did

I’m wondering where this shame comes from. Do I feel it because I know I can’t speak about it when I need to – because suicide is such a taboo that I never know how people will handle it? Is it because there is this weird thing that comes with suicide where strangers are trying to protect people like me as they worry that we will be triggered by mentioning suicide, so they prevent even us from speaking of it? Is it because, as a society, we can’t deal with anything around death? Is it some other kind of fear?

Fear is healthy. It also prevents us from becoming healthy. There are times when I’m asked how I am and I want to tell the truth – “I’m not ok, I have an anniversary coming up and I had nightmares about it last night and I can’t shake it off”. I want to say – “I’m really sensitive at the moment – every time I notice the date, I think about how I screwed up a few years ago.” I want to say – “Honestly I’m not good but I’m scared I might upset you if I tell you why so lets pretend I’m well.” What I actually say is – “I’m alright thanks, how are you?”

Working for organisations such as this, the mention of suicide immediately makes you think ‘safeguarding’ and out of duty of care you go through all the questions to establish a person’s safety, how they are, if there are plans to act on thoughts etc. I’m always aware of the responsibility I have when I’m working, and this comes up, but I try to do it differently. I know the massive difference it makes when someone is able to talk to you about those feelings and not have an approach or immediately turn it into a safeguarding concern. My approach is to just keep listening and let them lead

On 14th May one of the many people I talked to was in a unit where the police had taken me by mistake. They were supposed to take me to the crisis team, but they took me to where the crisis team used to be based. I was then stuck there until another police car became available to take me to where I needed to be. The unit was actually for neuropsychology. I sat and talked to a man whose name I don’t know, whose job I don’t know… but who made a huge impact on me. He talked to me about my fears around what happens next. About sectioning. About what inpatient psychiatric facilitates are really like. He busted myths. He told me the truth when I asked questions and listened when I needed to talk. He didn’t tell me I was brave. He didn’t make me feel like I had to consider the impact of what I had done or what I might say could have on him. And that, for me, is what I aspire to do for others when they talk to me

I don’t want people to be afraid to talk to me. If what they say has an impact on me, I can stop the conversation or continue knowing that I can deal with that later – the main thing to consider is that this person has trusted me, that they have come to me with their pain/their problems, that my actions can have a massive impact on whether this person trusts someone else or feels able to open up again. It can make the difference between them getting help or not

How we receive people’s stories is massively important. I don’t think I’d live comfortably with the events of 14th May if I could speak openly to people about it, but it would be easier to convince myself that there is nothing to be ashamed of. It would be easier to tell people I’m not ok. It would make me feel less alone and less afraid. It would give me another reason to be glad I survived and know the chances of others feeling the same are less likely when they consider a permanent end for their fear because they are too afraid of how sharing it will be received

This year on 14th May. I will be glad I survived. But I’ll also be ashamed, afraid, frustrated, irritated, confused and a multitude of other things. Because I’m trying to move on. I just can’t

If you have been affected by this article, support options are available:

  • When life is difficult, Samaritans are there – day or night, 365 days a year. You can call them for free on 116 123, email them at jo@samaritans.org, or visit www.samaritans.org to find your nearest branch.
  • SANEline. If you’re experiencing a mental health problem or supporting someone else, you can call SANEline on 0300 304 7000 (4.30pm–10.30pm every day).
  • Shout 85258 is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who is struggling to cope. You can text them any time, day or night on 85258. Your messages with them are confidential and anonymous.
  • The Mind Infoline provides an information and signposting service. Call 0300 123 3393 or email: info@mind.org.uk. They are open 9am to 6pm, Monday to Friday (except for bank holidays).

Written by Tess


Hi I'm Tess, I work for Groundswell and have a long history of mental illness. During a particularly bad patch I sofa surfed for a while. I have a very opinionated cat and live near Manchester, although I'm formerly from Stoke-on-Trent.

Read all of Tess's articles

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