In this fantastic piece Sheryle talks about the way in which she found her individuality when she became a mother, for the first time realising that her strength comes from within.
Finding hope after experiencing loneliness in homelessness
Having been affected by homelessness in the past I have found myself stripped of my own identity and choices that are made in everyday life. I had no money so I could not afford to shop for clothes I wanted to wear. Instead I gratefully accepted whatever was donated to me.
There were days where I wouldn’t get any clothes for weeks so I would have to wear them ripped and stinking. The food I ate was given to me from kind people passing by or an outreach kitchen walking around.
It was food I ate because I was hungry. The main thing for me was the loneliness of being on your own and the feeling of not belonging anywhere. It’s a lost and lonely existence. In my drink and drug addiction I was so alone I let off an odour like a skunk of desperation and wanting to be loved which attracted the most vile people.
I was very co-dependent in relationships in the past due to my fear of being on my own. I thought being in a relationship would make me feel safe and loved. Boy was I wrong! I kept making the same mistakes over and over again and never learning from them due to my fear of abandonment.
When I was part of a toxic, co-dependent relationship I had no identity of my own. I liked whatever music they listened to, I agreed with the views they had because I had no opinion of my own to share. I laughed at their jokes when most of the time they just aren’t that funny and I didn’t want them to feel embarrassed or shown up in front of other people.
When I fell pregnant I knew I had to change my life and to become a strong independent female role model for my baby, without having to be in a toxic relationship because of loneliness and addiction. I chose to go on a journey of self -discovery of who I am and sobriety.
I wanted some hope for the future. I was worried about being lonely but through my recovery I have taken on different opportunities of volunteering work to connect with people while my baby is at nursery. I have grown as a person over the last three and half years.
And I am finding out what I like and I have the choice of what to wear now and the direction I want my life to go in. I am still lonely being a single mother but unlike the loneliness I experienced before I am not looking for a relationship. I am looking for a friendship and I am happy in myself finally that I will attract the kind of friend I deserve.
Photo by Mat Amp (Instagram: @matamp67)
