Content warning: this post talks about alcoholism and death
My friend died today. And. Yeah. Just wanted to talk about it really. She struggled. You know, we were both in AA. And she struggled. But she was one of the women that welcomed me when I first walked through the doors in AA, and she was sober at the time. And we became good friends. Had a right good laugh really. But she struggled, you know, she relapsed on a regular basis. She always said she was a serial relapser. She just couldn’t get it. Just couldn’t get it, you know. And yes, she’d go she’d go off, obviously, on a bender. And, you know, I wouldn’t hear from her for about a week but erm that became part and parcel of her, her pattern. So, it was no, no big deal that… I may send a message nearly every morning or every other day to say good morning, have a good day. And when she was well, she’d send me a message or a quote or a reading and a picture of a reading or something like that, but had not heard from her, for about a week. I thought nothing of it. I thought, oh, she’s on the piss again. But I kept sending these messages every other day just saying, I hope you’re okay, hope you’re safe and ring me and I have rang her a few times. No answer. But that’s what we do. We isolate. We hide away from the world, and we don’t speak to anybody. We keep the curtains closed and, you know, it’s just us and the bottle. And that’s just the way it is for an alcoholic.
Well, then, I started noticing the last five days my messages weren’t even going through. I was sending them on WhatsApp and the two ticks weren’t there. So erm. That’s been bugging me a little bit. Yesterday I started feeling a bit uneasy about that. And then I rang her last night and no answer again. And then I send her another message this morning and it didn’t go through. So you know when you get this gut feeling. This is real. Like a panic I suppose it is. I um’ed and ah’ed, what shall I do? What shall I do? And you know, and I’m not I’m not someone that panics. I’m not someone that you know, I don’t jump into drama queen mode or anything like that. I’m not panicker. I’m, you know, I’m really grounded, but, I just couldn’t get this feeling. I just couldn’t get rid of that feeling so I text one of her friends who keeps in touch. And she said, no, I’ve not heard from her either. But she’d been away, so she’d not noticed. You know, as much as I had. So, I said to her, I’m quite worried. So, her and her boyfriend drove round to the house. She lives on her own. And my friend and the dog was in the front room. And her boyfriend had climbed up a ladder and looked through the bedroom window and she wasn’t there. So, they were in a bit of a panic, rang me back and I said, well, I’ll ring the police. And it was this sort of… will I look stupid if a ring and they go round and she’s just sat there you know, having a drink or you know, I really didn’t know what to do anyway. I bit the bullet and I rung them, and I give them as many details as I could. They said that they’d send someone round.
In the meantime, my friend and her boyfriend, they felt uneasy. So, they went back to the property and the police were there and they couldn’t, you know, they were knocking on the door, on the window and the dog was barking and my friend, just was a no show. So, they said, we’re going to have to break in. So, my friend texts. And she said, you know, brace yourself, Karen. And, you know, I don’t like the sound of this. And then she rung me, and she just said, she’s dead. Found her on the bathroom floor. So, I don’t know if her body just give up, don’t know if she’s fallen and banged her head, really don’t know any of the details and the details don’t matter. You know, she’s she was a good friend. She was a good laugh. She had a heart of gold. But she battled with the demons.
And this is what addiction is all about. You know, there’s not that many of us that make it. The percentage is very, very low. It just annoys me when I hear people saying you could stop if you wanted to. Just a bit of willpower and all the rest of it. And they have no idea. People just don’t have any idea what addiction is all about. Yes. I just wanted to share that because I just needed to, I didn’t feel like writing it down. I’m not in the mood for writing. I find talking about it is very cathartic. And I didn’t want to mither my friends that are close to her because they’ll all be upset. So, feeling a bit drained, really. So, I just wanted to share this. Thanks for listening and. Yeah. Tomorrow’s another day. Night night God bless.