Steve always talks straight from the heart and here he reports on the constant struggle of dealing with the challenges of holding down a job and doing things for yourself. Steve is one of those people that always seems happy and on top but this report shows that we all struggle at times.
This is reporter 12, just doing an update on the whole lived experienced thing. This is tough. I find this really difficult some days. You know, please don’t misinterpret me. I’m so grateful to be given an opportunity to better my life.
And that is definitely happening. I tend to live life, you know, comparable. If we compare where I’ve been to where I am today, you know, I’m winning. I’m not on the street, I’ve not got a needle hanging out me arm, I haven’t robbed anyone, I haven’t hurt anybody. But it just seems to me that we seem to let go of one struggle to either embrace or face on whatever level, another one, and they keep coming. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older on what is it. I find them tough, and this is for me, this is the biggest struggle of all responsibility. Every fibre of my being, I just want to run away from responsibility.
Now, I should step up to the mark, it might sound silly, but to take the gamble of coming off benefits to remove that safety net and then stare into the abyss with no safety net. It’d daunting beyond belief for me anyway. It really is. I know I’m doing the right thing. I do have faith that it will all work out. But it really is exhausting because, like I said before, all them behaviours that lead to the fuck it button you know it’s imprinted, It’s embedded in my forehead, that route to fuck this avenue and I’ve lived there for a long time, so I know exactly how to do that life, standing on me head. I was saying to someone the other day about rehab.
You know, if that was an option to go back into rehab, I wouldn’t take it today. Because, again, that’s something that I accept. I completely excel in rehab. I shine because everything’s done for you cuz all I have to do is make sure I’m in that shower every day and downstairs at eight o’clock and then doing menial tasks, do what I’m told, that’s it, I’m amazing at it, fantastic. It’s out here that the responsibility starts and like doing a report when you’ve took your front teeth out, not as easy as you think. Now, that’s better. So slight adjustments I suppose. Well, you know, it’s just the irony is not lost on me, that you know, the job I’ve got, the support I get is immense. However, you I don’t know how to word this bit. The support is there if I need, I know it is. I kind of put pressure on myself thinking or saying to myself, I shouldn’t need support, I should be doing this on my own, but why should I? Why why should I know how to do it? You know, 30 odd years in addiction.
I’m not.. I’m not going to know how to hold down a job and everything that goes with it. You know, again, it might sound miner to others but my daughter’s gone on her first holiday and I’m lost without her. I don’t know. That tells me how much time I spend with a 16 year old kid. Because, you know, there’s a reason behind everything, because I’m not good at relationships, at building relationships with people. And that’s why that’s why life’s tough for me today. I either push people away or I’ve never …I’ve never learned the skills to build that framework of either friendship or, you know, whatever is. Wherever it is, I’m not good at it.
And the further down the work line you go the more I can tend to see myself and not, you know, panic sets in. I was going to share this today because it really got to me and I need to offload it somewhere. I asked for help today at work because my diary was empty. As soon as I’d done it… Well, no, that’s not true, not as soon as I’ve done it, but, you know, things started to come in and it did pick up. But my point is I took a leap of faith by saying, you know, I’ve not got anything to do. I explained to me later on that it’s not like you’ve not got anything to do, it’s just quiet.
Well, I have this delusion in my head that I should be breaking records all time, running at full capacity. Life’s not like that, and, you know, it’s just another reminder that I have absolutely no skill set to deal with life. Yes, I still have this nagging thought that I have got this skill set, skill set and I should be able to do it. You know, I mean, it baffles me. It absolutely baffles me, nobodies putting pressure on me. Nobody saying Steve you should be doing this, you should be doing that. None of that’s going on. Yet, I feel that I’m putting it on myself. You know, to the point where today I was having a proper anxiety attack doing everybody else’s thinking for ’em, ‘oh, he’s not done this, he won’t be doing that…blah blah…oh, the head is so fast with nonsense.
It is unbelievable. It never, ever lets up. It’s just continuous. It’s like it’s perpetual because the bullshit it makes up feeds the anxiety that feeds the bullshit it makes up to feed the….AHHH. It never ends, you know. But, I just thought I’d use this platform just for once, to air it, to say it out loud, because it’s definitely something in that because fundamentally, I believe that fundamentally we’re all the same. And I know it plays out differently, of course.
But I just wonder if other people in lived experience positions go through this or even just just just muggos, just normal people. I wonder if they go through it. You know, non heroin afflicted people. I’m sure there is some out there somewhere [he chuckles to himself] Yeah, anyway, I just thought, I’m I’ve not done a report for a while, so, yeah, I’ll leave it there. Thank you. [00:00:00][0.0]