People say money is the route of all evil, in most cases I’d agree but I’ve come to realise over the past month or so that a close contender for the route of all evil is emotions.

From living life on the streets, we all carry some very deep emotional scars, PTSD, anxiety, and good old depression become our best friends. Addiction becomes a way of covering these emotions up and “making it better” and for a period of time it does genuinely put these problems to the back of our minds but that is literally all it does – the original problems we carry in our heads are still there.

My way of dealing with my problems is to keep busy. This won’t work for everybody, as every person is different, and every person deals with problems differently. I’ve kept busy by volunteering at a recovery program, this place is very different to most places that people in recovery go to.

My main role at said place is gym assistant volunteer. However, I don’t like limiting myself to just one thing so I’ve done my food hygiene level 2 so that I can cover the cook when he’s off and I fetch and carry things. Whilst doing all of this I undergo any training course that they or anyone can throw at me. I help other people in recovery by just being a listening ear. Notice I said listening ear where most people would have said sympathetic ear. I’ve come to realise people don’t always want a sympathetic ear. Sympathy is sometimes the last thing someone wants. Sometimes just listening is all people need.

So, back to emotions. Whilst I’m volunteering 9 until 4, I’m a really calm, warm, open person who is approachable. However, my personal situation needed me to switch to the opposite after 4pm.

My recovery is based around Class A drugs. For me to be around active users has been torture. I’m living in shared accommodation or supported accommodation, as they like to brand themselves. Shared, supported or emergency accommodation can go either way: towards helping someone in recovery to solve their housing issues or it can lead people to do a 180 degrees turn and fall back into using or lead them back on the streets.

A lot of supported accommodation are overpriced on the rent and residents receive little or no help in the form of support or guidance. From personal experience I can say that a lot of supported accommodation really does more harm than good. Upon first moving into a place I once asked about the other residents in the house so I knew what I was moving into. I was told that they’re selective about who they put in houses with each other because they need the dynamic of the house to work. They assured me it was a calm, drug-free house – just a couple of lads drink at weekends.

Within a week of being in the house I realised how bad it was – the two lads that drank at weekends… it turned out one is still an active cocaine user and the other had a real problem and couldn’t stop drinking and taking tablets. So the guy who sniffs started bullying the guy who drinks daily to the point where the mental abuse was too much and the chap had to be moved out. The other housemates were active heroin addicts. The whole house had a problem with each other. It was a complete war zone to walk into everyday after 4pm when I’ve been being a positive, approachable, warm, helping guy all day.

So, let’s breakdown each emotion I’d go through. Mornings are hard due to flashbacks and nightmares I have about the loss of a child, so I’m hurt and upset every morning but then try to turn that negative thought into a positive and tell myself that my little girl wouldn’t want me to be down and depressed, so I cheer up and tell myself I’m doing good in life and start to have a positive outlook on the day.

Next, I’m at work fulfilling my volunteering role being accepting of different people all with different and equally traumatic problems and I’m the positive ray of sunshine that inspires everybody I come across to do better in their life. I can put my problems to one side to empathise with them and give the best advice I can as a professional. I feel like I’ve got a purpose which is the best natural high for someone who was sleeping in shop doorways a while back – so the feelings are joy, happiness and just general positivity.

My next change in emotion comes towards 3pm when I know that within the next hour I’ve got to go home to a mess of anarchy, bad vibes and just general negativity. This makes my anxiety shoot sky high to the point where I don’t want to go home most nights.

When I do get home, I’m greeted by a heavy smell of heroin (which I’ve been clean from for nine months). Straight away cravings are triggered which is a different set of emotions altogether. Adding to this emotional rollercoaster is the tension I feel in the air. Every time I leave my room, I’ll have one resident coming to complain about the other residents and the other residents doing the same. So, I decide to do what a normal person would do rather than snap at everyone in the house, I told a member of “support staff” that the dynamic of the house isn’t right for me and could lead to destroying my hard work I’ve put into my recovery. I told them all the goings on in the house but was careful not to mention names. The support staff conflict resolution skills were really not helpful. They decided to go back to the house and tell everyone that there’s one person in the house (me) who is clean and struggling to keep it up due to the environment at home. Well because I was the only clean one in the house it was obvious it was me, so they’ve all turned on me with threats of violence, eating my food and keeping me awake all night purposefully. My emotions were all over the place from anger to paranoia to anxiety to relief when they stayed out for the odd nights here and there. My emotions changed that much it made Jekyll and Hyde seem tame.

Through lack of help and the right support my emotions took me to a dark place in my head. When people don’t know what to do with their emotions it turns them into a numb person.

I’m constantly walking around cold and numb emotionally due to not knowing how to cope or other people or my environment keep changing and being insecure or unsettled.