Audio Stories Reports

Facing Feelings

Reported by Steve

Published on Friday, April 1st, 2022

Mental Health Recovery Support and Relationships
Audio Stories Reports

Facing Feelings

Written by Steve

Published on Friday, April 1st, 2022

Mental Health


Support and Relationships

In this report Steve wrestles with facing feelings and hopes to find some catharsis by talking about something that he doesn’t find easy to deal with.

Yeah, this is Steve, it’s the 7th of March. I just thought I’d try something different. And like do a real time report on something I’m really not fond of and that’s feelings. I’ve just had a phone call off my daughter saying…

‘Oh, dad, my brother’ obviously my son.

We don’t speak and haven’t done for a long time.

‘…Is coming to my house at six o’clock, shall I tell him you’re going to be there?’

So I said  Yeah‘.

Anyway, two minutes later, she phoned me back.

She said ‘Oh, I’m sorry, dad, I should not have told you now, but he doesn’t want to see you.’

And I explained ‘it’s cool. it’s alright.’

 I went straight in to that I don’t know if it’s denial or know what it is, but I went straight into that mode.  

‘Oh, don’t worry, he’s got his reasons for not wanting to see me. Same as you are for wanting to see me,

All that ballocks and then when I put the phone down I thought I didn’t mean a word of that you know, because it’s not all right. I keep telling myself this narrative that’s self-taught that things are alright…and they’re not. That’s not right, it’s not healthy for my daughter, my youngest daughter, to be caught up in this.

The whole picture is I’ve got three kids, two – a brother and sister, and then I had my youngest to a different person.  Later on in life and I brought up my youngest daughter, my other two, because of addiction they got took off me. I got all that stuff. They all got took off me but [name removed for privacy] is the only one who got returned to the family like so, yeah, I don’t really know what I’m saying here.

I just wanted to try something a bit reactive and I had a conversation with someone, let’s put it that way this morning, and they encouraged me to try and do things differently, so this is me trying to do things differently. I’m just wondering like. You can’t just be me who is terrible at feeling and facing them.

I’m trying to sit through it and just see what but I swear to God I’m cringing inside. And my own voice and my own actions in doing this it’s like UGGGH and I wonder if that’s a part of the change process and I wonder if what I’m doing now and not doing what I normally would do and just being in denial, talking about it, if that’s causing the fetal position inside that’s just curling up thinking ‘Oh my God this is painful’ and the reality is more advice from the person I spoke to this morning if I stop thinking about myself and, you know, maybe look at it from my son’s perspective.

Maybe he’s in a lot more pain not having a father. Maybe he feels terrible. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but just… I suppose it’s cathartic to talk about this painful stuff, and it is painful and it’s shameful as well, you know?

However, my only saving grace is I do have a faith, I do believe in God. And I also believe it’s not in my time anyway. You know, I can’t fix the whole relationship thing with our children, if I could I would have done it years ago, I really would. And the truth is, the only reason I don’t try and contact my other kids is not because I’m scared of rejection.

Sometimes I am, but I’m also scared of acceptance. Because if they accept me, then I have to step up and be like that dad all the time. Anyway, yeah, this probably didn’t make sense but the message in it all is to see if it’s cathartic. Only I will know that but we’ll see.

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Written by Steve

Steve joined the Listen Up project as a volunteer, initially working on the Call and Check project before becoming a volunteer on the Covid Monitoring Project. When Listen Up was launched Steve successfully applied for one of the new Project Officer posts. Although he enjoyed the role he decided his skills were best suited to volunteering at this time. As a result he is once again a volunteer reporter and has now done the HHPA [Homeless Health Peer Advocate] training which allows him to advocate for vulnerable people, helping them to access health care in a way that is best for them. Steve has roots in Manchester but travelling and meeting people from all walks of life while discussing the price of chips is something that Steve would describe as a perfect day! As a result he has recently moved to London.

Read all of Steve's articles


Mental Health Recovery Support and Relationships

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