Am I already grieving for my dad even though he’s still living? I’m looking at him now and I see life draining away from him, day by day he’s deteriorating, becoming the shadow of the man he used to be.
The man I’ve put on a pedestal, the man who has taught me so many life values, the man who has loved and supported me unconditionally is slipping away.
Have I shut down to protect myself? Is that why I can’t show any emotion?
Why am I trying to project how I’ll be when he’s gone?
Why am I trying to anticipate how I’m going to grieve?
What makes me think I can see into the future?
Why am I torturing myself by trying to imagine the pain I will feel?
Why can’t I cry but my heart is breaking?
Is this what they call ‘Trauma’?
Is it possible to grieve twice for the same person?
One for the man I’ve already lost, then one after he takes his last breath.